void

i used to speak of this space within my chest. it was dark, empty, and overwhelmingly lonely. this post was the first time i had ever put words to it, and actually acknowledged it to other people. i carried this weight and pain for so long, i had accepted it as a daily part of life, for the rest of my life. it was a place for me to hide, as much as i hated it. i would seek out every inch of it until i thought i knew it by heart, then it would only get larger and swallow me whole again. i would extract all of what i thought was beauty from it, spending each night writing and crying and listening to sad songs. but in the morning, there was nothing poetic about my suffering. it was after this post, that i saw the sadness spilling over into my days, and not just my nights alone. i knew that something had to change.

i can't say that the void has gone away completely. that one day i woke up and suddenly it was filled with rainbows and unicorns and happy bunnies. because sometimes, i feel the darkness creep up on me again. somedays, my eyes feel like they were made for crying. but it has never been that intense again. and most days, i find that there is light spilling out from my chest, rays of golden love and peace and joy that almost seem surreal, like they don't belong in a place that was once so desolate.

i think that we all have this emptiness, we all carry it in different measures and intensities, some acknowledge it and some don't. in a way, we're all born with it. and we spend our entire lives looking for something to fill it. for me it was guys, because it was so lonely in the darkness. it was alcohol, because it numbed the pain that the emptiness brought. for some it's money, sex, success, being "trendy", etc. i think one day i asked god to fill the hole inside my chest. i don't remember it exactly, but i think i must have. because it doesn't just feel full, it feels overflowing. it feels like "streams of living water". i feel alive again.

i couldn't ask for more.

sarah∞mae