beautiful

This is a crazy, wonderful, beautiful, messy, awful world we live in.

Some days I am so entranced by the wonder and the elegance of creation- the people and plants and animals and events all draw me in and don't let me go. And then there are times when the atrocities of everything that happens grip my heart and make me want to scream and cry and change something. And then, there are days like today when I am caught in an interesting, delicate balance of the two. I think it's a good place to be, and a good medium to have. In the same moment, I can reflect upon the mountains of Panimaquin (a scene that truly captures the word 'majestic') and then remember the stories of murder, suicide, and pain covering our headlines. It's easy for me to look without, and find all the glorious, exquisite things, and the stinging, hard to watch things. But it is hardest for me to look within.

I've been dodging this for quite some time now. The quieting down of my soul, sitting in reflection, finally turning around and staring myself in the face- all the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is a thought that terrifies me to no end, and with good reason. I have made a plethora of poor decisions and have destroyed more than I'd like to admit even to myself. I am a mess, plain and simple. But I'm not meant to clutch these broken pieces forever.

And that's where today comes in. Because last night I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, of remembrance, of love. It settled somewhere inside my chest, and I just can't shake the thought that it's time- things are falling into place, and it's just time. It's going to be a long, difficult, incredibly painful road, and whether or not I'm ready, I need to do this. I'm ready to finally be free.

" [she] softens, becomes tender and vulnerable. She no longer resents her beauty, but offers it gently, almost shyly, which for her is repentance."

sarah∞mae