heavy

Today, I feel heavy. Like there is a weight in my chest that is burdensome and painful and bigger than me. The weight isn't my own, and yet somehow it is. Somehow it is deeply familiar and it is the one I have always carried, only intensified one thousand degrees. This means that I am brought to tears every other moment for what appears to be no reason at all.

I don't have words for this. I don't think there are words. Some sadnesses, some understandings, some sympathies, aren't meant to be worded. They are meant to be felt, and to be felt completely and intensely. I don't understand this world. We are destroying everything we can see: our planet, the ones around us, ourselves. We are doing it with eyes wide open. We are tearing life apart. And it feels real and it feels heavy and this is what I am carrying today.

When I try and pray, there are no words. There is no articulation, only tears, and I can't form sentences and I feel like God understands my grieving today. Where there are no voices, where the pain cannot be voiced, let me be a voice. Let me be a voice.

beautiful

This is a crazy, wonderful, beautiful, messy, awful world we live in.

Some days I am so entranced by the wonder and the elegance of creation- the people and plants and animals and events all draw me in and don't let me go. And then there are times when the atrocities of everything that happens grip my heart and make me want to scream and cry and change something. And then, there are days like today when I am caught in an interesting, delicate balance of the two. I think it's a good place to be, and a good medium to have. In the same moment, I can reflect upon the mountains of Panimaquin (a scene that truly captures the word 'majestic') and then remember the stories of murder, suicide, and pain covering our headlines. It's easy for me to look without, and find all the glorious, exquisite things, and the stinging, hard to watch things. But it is hardest for me to look within.

I've been dodging this for quite some time now. The quieting down of my soul, sitting in reflection, finally turning around and staring myself in the face- all the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is a thought that terrifies me to no end, and with good reason. I have made a plethora of poor decisions and have destroyed more than I'd like to admit even to myself. I am a mess, plain and simple. But I'm not meant to clutch these broken pieces forever.

And that's where today comes in. Because last night I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, of remembrance, of love. It settled somewhere inside my chest, and I just can't shake the thought that it's time- things are falling into place, and it's just time. It's going to be a long, difficult, incredibly painful road, and whether or not I'm ready, I need to do this. I'm ready to finally be free.

" [she] softens, becomes tender and vulnerable. She no longer resents her beauty, but offers it gently, almost shyly, which for her is repentance."

sarah∞mae

what hurts the most isn't your ignoring me,

it isn't the way you casually brush off my afflictions.

what pains me so deeply isn't your escapades with other girls,

it isn't your lies and avoidance.

no, what makes all of this so awful is the fact that it could've been different.

you could've been different.

i could've been different.

and we weren't.

what hurts is goodbye.

sarah∞mae

sunday

Today was a day of so much emotion, it was ridiculous. I went to the park for a little bit with some people, and ended up sitting cross legged alone, reading Chuck Palahniuk. The park was blaring some heartbreak songs from hidden speakers, and I was hiding behind my big sunglasses and crying. It was really, really, really depressing. I sobbed my whole way home, curled up in my favorite armchair, and read. There's nothing poetic about suffering, or maybe all suffering is poetic and that's where masterpiece is born from...

I ended up surrounded by old friends in a situation that made my heart ache and regret seep from my pores. They know me inside and out, and after I cried for a good hour, they brought out a cheese ball and sat around me. Some of them had just returned from the east coast, where they recently put in a Pollo Campero. Pollo Campero is the leading fast food chain in Guatemala, where I've been three times, a place that means the world to me. One of the guys gave me his leftover PC. It made me cry, and it made me so happy.

I really don't know what tomorrow holds, or the day after, but a little ray of hope has squeezed its way into my life, refracting golden rainbows off of everything I see.
sarah∞mae

pain

tonight, i am irreversibly, inexplicably, and undeniably sad. almost every night, no matter what kind of wonderful day i've had, i get really lonely, and i usually cry. it's kind of depressing, and i always go to sleep right after. i can't help it though, it just happens. there's nothing redemptive about my tears, no solution at the end of the night, just a postponing for the return of it tomorrow. i even have a playlist of songs to go with my mood. nobody knows i do this.

this was the sunset tonight. i watched it while listening to john mayer, and i had a fabulous night with some of my closest friends. there really wasn't any reason for me to want to get home so badly so that i could cry my eyes out. some nights, i try to find some solace, some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. tonight, it's this:

"i am not what happened to me. i am what i choose to become."

-carl jung

embrace the darkness, it makes the light so much more beautiful.
sarah∞mae