extravagant love

a few weeks ago, i labeled myself as a "self centered, selfish, poor decision making, broken, needy mess". and i am not backing down from that, because i still feel like that is an accurate description of my recent behavior. but as i've been coming back into community, and into a better, more stable and fulfilling lifestyle; there is one thing that has overwhelmed me: love.

people will tell me of how they prayed for me, dreamed of me, fasted and weeped over me. and i just can't handle it. something in me wants to get angry, and yell "why would you waste all of that on me?! i didn't care, i turned my back on everything without thinking twice! i drank and partied and hooked up and cried a thousand tears. i don't deserve all of that!" instead of doing that, i usually just break down in tears (unless it's in public, in which case i will choke them back and let the waterworks commence upon returning home).

it's interesting that all of this would begin happening around the biggest display of love: the cross. throughout my days, i will find myself thinking "i am a mess". and then somewhere, in the back of my head, i hear god whisper "but you're my mess. and i love you." and it freaks me out, but it comforts me, and i'm learning to settle into it. because i don't deserve grace, that's why it's grace. and god is so generous, he is almost wasteful with how much he gives me. and the love that he loves me with, that he pours into other's hearts for me, is more than i can contain. i can only hope my life will once again begin to reflect that into the world around me.

it is good to be loved. and we all are, so much.

"we were free & made alive, the day that true love died"

sarah∞mae