thanksgiving, for kicks

Since everyone seems to be posting about Thanksgiving this week (what gives?), I figure I'll take part in the spirit.

My Thanksgiving was quiet, but good. I visited my family in the morning, then took a drive to Siesta Key (about 90 minutes away) to watch the sunset. Then I came home for a really wonderful small dinner, and then to spend the night with my friend Camilla and her sister. There were a lot of things that bothered me about Thanksgiving, but I have so much to be thankful for, and I believe thankfulness should be celebrated in everyday life rather than just at some time of the year!

I am thankful for the incredible house I live in, and the absolutely wonderful people I am surrounded by. For my friends, both old and new, who make my life rich and meaningful.

I am thankful for my nephew, whom I love more than the stars.

I am thankful for my education, which I don't deserve, and is such a grand blessing.

I am thankful for clean water, a roof over my head, and a warm bed.

I am thankful for Panimaquin, the people, the fact that I can go there, and the impact they have in my life.

Most of all, I am more than thankful for the glorious, beautiful God who has loved me so deeply, so intensely, and so radically that it has changed everything I know. He is more than words can fathom, more than I can ever explain or understand, and is the reason I breathe. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to spread that love, take the incredible opportunities I have been given, and use them to their utmost ability.

Plus, Christmas is coming. And this is my favorite season of all.

lately

I haven't felt like I've had much to say. Not that I ever thought I did. But more so lately, I can't really put things into words that would make a decent post. The art show was wonderful, thank you so much to all who contributed, attended, and supported GMO! Life is incredible, honestly. Every day I stop and think about how lucky I am to have the life I've always dreamed of- and it just keeps getting better. Not that things don't hurt, because they sure do, but because I am learning and growing and changing and it is good. I'll leave you with some photos, and hop back on here soon (I promise!)

Art show :)

Alicia, Camilla and I before Alexander & The Grapes CD release party.

Getting art ready on the back porch for the show.

Hope your day is as lovely as life can be!

(PS: just learned how to whistle, SO EXCITED!)

anxiety

Today I started a new inhaler for my asthma. Two of the side effects were nervousness and an increased heartbeat, both of which I am currently experiencing. I've had anxiety attacks before, in fact, I used to have them quite a bit. It's weird for me because I haven't felt like this in such a long time. I used to live my entire life in low grade anxiety. Because right now I suddenly think everyone is upset with me, I'm doing everything wrong, and it needs to get fixed right now. However, I know this isn't true. I don't have these thoughts in my normal days, just now.

I am so thankful that my life is no longer like this, I forgot how awful it truly is.

Needless to say, this is my first and last time using this inhaler.

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.

-Psalm 94:19

10775

seriously? how did i get so lucky?

i live in the most beautiful place, with the most beautiful people.

i am thankful for this space to heal.

[everything is so green, and the rain is absolutely delightful. it is the most perfect day.]

sarah∞mae

grace

I don't understand grace. I don't think I need to, but it still befuddles me the same. I used to think I understood grace (I would tell you that grace meant you got stuff you didn't deserve, and didn't work for). But I've never come as close to understanding grace as lately.

Before I went off to mosey around and "have fun", and take part in the things I thought I wanted to, I was volunteering/working for More2Life!, a youth development program run by The Pregnancy Center, that talks in schools about making good choices regarding drugs, alcohol, and sex outside of marriage. I was passionate about it, and loved helping the students. Then, I went and made all the choices I told them all not to.

Recently, I started volunteering there again. The first day back was awkward, at least for me. I had tattoos, my nose pierced, and was carrying the weight of shame for all the stuff I had done. The director of the program took me into her office, sat me down, and asked me what had happened. I was really honest. I told her everything that happened, everything I did, all the mistakes I made. And when I was done my spiel, had shown her my tattoos and explained that I can't deal with my problems so I pierce/tattoo my body, she smiled and said "Well, it's good to have you back." and launched into the ways she needed me to help out around More2Life!.

I was shell shocked. I had just spilled my guts, all the stupid stuff I had done, all the ways I had been a giant hypocrite. And she didn't look at the things I had done. She looked past all of that, into me, and saw something worthy. Now I'm working in a mentoring program with them. We talk to youth about being leaders in the community, and I'm going to get trained to teach the course on drugs and alcohol. A few days ago, they offered me a job there as a full time educator.

I don't deserve any of this. I don't understand any of it. I am humbled, grateful, and amazed.

I thought I understood grace, but I have only scratched the surface.

sarah∞mae

extravagant love

a few weeks ago, i labeled myself as a "self centered, selfish, poor decision making, broken, needy mess". and i am not backing down from that, because i still feel like that is an accurate description of my recent behavior. but as i've been coming back into community, and into a better, more stable and fulfilling lifestyle; there is one thing that has overwhelmed me: love.

people will tell me of how they prayed for me, dreamed of me, fasted and weeped over me. and i just can't handle it. something in me wants to get angry, and yell "why would you waste all of that on me?! i didn't care, i turned my back on everything without thinking twice! i drank and partied and hooked up and cried a thousand tears. i don't deserve all of that!" instead of doing that, i usually just break down in tears (unless it's in public, in which case i will choke them back and let the waterworks commence upon returning home).

it's interesting that all of this would begin happening around the biggest display of love: the cross. throughout my days, i will find myself thinking "i am a mess". and then somewhere, in the back of my head, i hear god whisper "but you're my mess. and i love you." and it freaks me out, but it comforts me, and i'm learning to settle into it. because i don't deserve grace, that's why it's grace. and god is so generous, he is almost wasteful with how much he gives me. and the love that he loves me with, that he pours into other's hearts for me, is more than i can contain. i can only hope my life will once again begin to reflect that into the world around me.

it is good to be loved. and we all are, so much.

"we were free & made alive, the day that true love died"

sarah∞mae

thankful

At the house, one of my favorite things that we do is the Thankful Box. It's a shoebox, decorated by house members, but it's not the box that's important, it's what's inside. During the week, the Thankful Box sits in the kitchen with a stack of paper squares and a pen next to it. As we go through our days, we write down things that we are thankful for and put them in the box. It's incredible to watch it fill up with brightly colored pieces of paper! It's not only everyone living in the community, but anyone who comes through the house during the week is encouraged to be thankful with us.

On Sunday nights, we have a Bible study/worship session/celebration time. Afterwards, when the house has mostly emptied out, whoever is still there (and the house members) all gather in a circle in the den and pass the Thankful Box around. Depending on how many people are there and how thankful we've been all week, we each pick out a certain number of papers. Then we take turns, going around the circle and reading out the anonymous slips. Some are funny, others are deep and touching, and a handful are difficult to read. We laugh, say "aw", and "amen" a lot. It's amazing to see how much we truly have to be thankful for. Honestly, it's one of (if not my absolute) favorite times of the week.

One of the things I'm really thankful for is Panimaquin. I am thankful that I can once again be the girl in this picture. That I have another chance at getting things right, pouring my life out for others in love and beauty. I am thankful for freedom I shouldn't know and love I don't deserve. I am thankful that I don't have to be afraid, or alone anymore. I am thankful that things are turning green again, and that I can know everything is going to be okay. I am thankful I don't have to be who I was, only who I am. I'm thankful for sunshine, and silliness, and jumping in huge mud puddles. For coyotes in the back yard, staying up late, quiet mornings, grace, and salads from our garden.

God is good. And it feels good to say that.

sarah∞mae