declaration of faith

god.

kind of intimidating, isn't it? the word all by its lonesome, weighed down with all of the intimations and prejudices and understandings we hang on it. all the images of crosses and picket signs and nuns that come to mind. the feelings of confusion, love, hate, and indifference that we may feel.

whether you believe or not, the word god can be an intense one. surely it is for a reason.

i've believed in god for almost five years. i've embarked on this road more times than i can count. honestly, i probably embark on it again at least once a week. my mind is unsteady, my heart unfaithful and my choices unsettling. i've been down the ways of super religiosity and super rebellion. i've got the lingo down, had most of the major spiritual beliefs explained away, read the books, gone to the conferences, and been to the services. somewhere along the way, i lost god.

tragic, isn't it? that i would lose the very thing that got me started. get so caught up in the doing and the learning that i forget the heart of it all. i could recite to you what the character of god is, give you a million verses to back it up, and pointed out ways in my life in which he had been that way. but secretly i believed god to be a tyrant, an angry man in the sky, waiting for me to stumble so he could strike me down. i was constantly performing, looking over my shoulder, trying so hard to be perfect and failing miserably because there is no formula for this.

for life. for life with god.

since i've returned to this way of life some three months ago, i have had one main purpose: i will not let my life get the way it used to be. there were so many pros, i had so many blessings and opportunities, but i was miserable because i was trying to fulfill an ideal that was only real in my mind. and so any time i see myself veering toward putting on a mask because it looks better, puffing up my prayers, pretending i am something i'm not, speaking christianese, etc.; i have a violence inside of me to stop it. i will walk away from this and find god somewhere alone on a mountaintop before i become the striving, burnt out, fake person i used to be.

this is who i believe god to be, who i search for in my daily life:

i believe god to be the god of moses, the one who hid him in the cleft of the rock because he was passing by to show moses his glory. the god of such splendor, majesty and overwhelming greatness that moses could only see his back, lest he die. i believe god to be the god of elijah, the one who is not in the wind, earthquake, or fire; but the one who is a still small voice, a delicate whispering. i believe god to be the god of zephaniah, the one who declares that he sings, dances, and rejoices over me. the god of such healing that he restores my desolate places. i believe god to be the god of jesus, the incredibly gentle and loving father who gives everything he is to his son, and to the world. the one who lives a radical life of self sacrifice, breaking the social norm, and violently loving with a ferocity that would frighten anyone enough to kill him. the god who endured such horrific things just so that i could be free. i believe god to be the god of paul, the one who is alive and working, with us in the depths of our sufferings and persecutions. the god who encourages, gives rest, honors, and reveals himself to us. the god who is always speaking, through nature, through laughter, through beauty and calamity. the god of the broken, the poor, the lost, the hopeless. the god of the privileged, the rich, the ones who have it all together.

i believe god is organic, real, alive, and right now. i believe god is a god who laughs with me, and cries too. he is a god who delights in me. i believe god is this moment. this breath. this heartbeat. and my life doesn't always reflect this, but i hope someday it will. i have hope that all things will be made new, that i will see the power of christ working in my life and the lives of the ones i love, that jesus is coming back for me, and that someday i will stand before him and hear the voice i know so well, the face that i have come to be incredibly familiar and in love with, say:

"well done, good and faithful servant. enter in to the joy prepared for you."

this is the life i long to lead. the god i want to rule my life. this is my declaration of faith, no matter how small it sometimes is.