home

It really feels like I've come home again, in so many ways. The people, the feelings, the familiarity, the family. It all feels real, and it all feels good. I'm experiencing freedom I shouldn't know and love I don't deserve. It's beautiful, painful, and a little overwhelming at times. Looking at where I've been makes me feel awful, and I just want to sit in a dark corner somewhere and drink myself into oblivion or something equally depressing and destructive. But then someone laughs and light breaks through all my walls again. I used to quote John Mayer often, saying "maybe when things turn green again, it will be good to say you know me."

On Saturday night we went to the Conscious Party at Tampa Underground in Ybor City, right down the road from the club I had gone to the previous Saturday. Funny how life takes you in circles. Katie convinced me to read some of my stuff, and I never knew that an empty 10x10 square of laminated hardwood and a microphone could be so intimidating, terrifying, and exciting. One of my friends recently inspired me to start reading my poems to other people, and really get comfortable with it. I love writing so much, and it's such a huge, integral part of who I am. Going public with it is a million times worse than reading my diary out loud because all of my words are birthed from inside of me, they're raw and real and I can't help but be painfully transparent in them. It was good, and freeing, to be able to do it.

I love community so much, and I've missed it more than words can describe. This, for example, was an impromptu drum circle with no true intent. Everyone just picked up some instruments and started playing. There was dancing as well. Everyone is so beautiful, and sharing life with them is both an honor and a blessing.

Things are turning green again.

sarah∞mae