nurturing myself

So, I've never really been good at nurturing myself. I tend not to listen to my body, when it's hungry, tired, etc. I've lived in "survival mode" for most of my life, and did that up until pretty recently. A few months ago, I was learning to take care of myself. So, I would do little things just for me. Like take a walk in the sunlight, or meander through an art museum, write what was on my mind, take long baths, read a good book, or take a bike ride. Then, I went a little crazy. And those things fell away and it was just trying to catch the next high, no matter what that entailed.

But now, I'm learning to love myself again. It means sitting on a bench in the sun and being fully present- not checking out in my music or a book, but breathing, feeling the wind on my face and the heat on my legs. It means going to the beach more, and spending a lot of that time floating in the ocean and letting it calm my soul. It means dancing in the rain, eating well, doing yoga, and stop being so hard on my body to the point of doing intense, violent workouts daily. It means not hating myself, and not punishing myself for the things done to me, and the things I've done. It means driving with the windows down and playing my music loud and singing at the top of my lungs. It means being vulnerable and honest, even if it's terrifying. It means not giving away my truth to those who don't deserve it. It means forgiveness, laughing more, helping others, and paying attention to details. As far as today goes, nurturing myself means getting off my bum and my laptop and getting out of my false reality and taking a walk through the gallery in front of me.

May your day be full.

sarah∞mae

open/closed

to be honest, there are a lot of days [or rather, times during the day] when my life feels like this. open door, open opportunities, clean slate. i breathe clean air deeply, laugh from the bottom of my stomach, and smile wider and realer than ever before. i enjoy other's company, celebrate the little things, and look for the silver lining. i find new hope, and determination. i feel good.

and then, there are days [or rather, times during the day] like today when my life feels like this. closed door, dark sky, cold wind. my breath catches in the back of my throat, tears seep from my tired eyes, and i continuously hug my middle to keep myself from falling apart. it's not that i prefer solitude in these times [although sometimes that is the case], it's rather that i usually feel this way when alone. it doesn't always have to rain for me to feel like this, it can even be under an endless blue sky. i feel hopeless, destitute, and just plain sad.

someday i will find balance. until then, i'm trying to learn to just dig my heels in to stop myself from running when the sky gets dark and the seas begin to toss. the storm will be over soon enough. morning will come.

sarah∞mae

again

I'm not sure where I'm finding myself these days, or what everything is going to add up to mean in the end. I do know, however, that the sadness has been erased from my life, and things are beginning to come back into focus. I'm not complaining. Hearing that I am loved, and feeling the warm sun on my skin, makes me feel like none of this is real, or deserved. For the past four months I've done nothing but be a self centered, selfish, poor decision making, broken, needy mess.

When asked what I want last night, I put my face in my hands and said "Can I have a do over?"

sarah∞mae